Dear CHLA,

I miss you

I miss my early morning drive from Ronald McDonald Housing to you.  Los Angeles was quiet and the morning air was crisp as the sun began to rise over those Hollywood hills.

I miss submerging down into your creepy parking garage, passing the abandoned car and in search for the perfect spot next to a pillar and across from the elevator.

I miss my ride up in the elevator and the doors opening to the place miracles happen.

I miss walking down the hallway, to the cafeteria as I admired each nurse, medical professional, and hospital employee who were either ending or beginning their day.

I miss the slight sparkly, specks in the flooring.

I miss your coffee, oh how I miss your coffee and it kills me that I can’t remember the brand you guys use.

I miss walking past the wall containing the hospital’s history and spotting the special Cardio-Thoracic surgeon, who we proudly had as our own.

I miss the elevator stopping at the second floor and the doors opening to more sparkly floors and that unique, soft color green that set the floor apart from all the rest.  The irony of the floor being sponsored by Costco, as it’s one of our favorite places to grab one of the tastiest and cheapest meals in town.

I miss the excitement that built as I waited to be buzzed through the doors that lead to Drew and walking past the collage of CTICU staff who have the courage to serve the sickest of the sick.

I miss that Andrew’s room was right there when we walked in.

I miss the suspense of finding out who your nurse was going to be for the day.

I miss the beaming light of the rising sun that broke through your window in the early morning.

I miss the unconditional love that I still hold as I looked at my boy for the first time that day.

I miss my updates from the night before and I miss standing by in rounds.  Actually that’s a lie; rounds hurt and stung as I heard the words heart failure and the broken numbers that symbolized how sick Andrew was.

I miss the beautiful woman who cleaned Andrew’s room.  She had such a unique, bright, and gentle personality and she somehow brought peace into the room when she walked in.

My gosh!! Oh how I miss the amazing nurses and doctors who worked tirelessly to give us to months with our son.

I miss the handful of nurses who went above and beyond the call of duty to care about so much more than just Andrew.

I miss the helicopter landing on top of the building and the smell of exhaust that filled your room; actually being concerned about whether or not that persistent smell was harmful to you.

I miss your buddy “P’s” parents walking past our room as they began their day too.

I miss the chaos of the weekdays and the stillness of the weekend.

I miss getting elote on Wednesdays.

I miss seeing my family on the ground floor doing everything they can to entertain a one and a half year old.

I miss the confidence L.A. gave me, as it’s a place I never imagined I’d grow so fond of.

Dear CHLA, you were only apart of my life for two months and I miss you more than anything because those two months live in my heart like it all happened yesterday.  I miss you because that’s were one of my loves existed; and I envy the mommy’s and daddy’s who get to sit next to their babies because I would give anything to relive those days when I sat in rooms 2114 and 2113.  CHLA, I miss you because I miss my Drew.

Sincerely,

A beautifully, broken Mama